Truer words...

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us. -
Henry David Thoreau

A little weary, a little worse for wear but...

It’s kinda funny how life works sometimes. Around this time last year, my dog had just died, my long-term relationship had bitten the dust about six months earlier but was still a massive ball of angst in my gut and I was preparing to go into hospital for surgery. My life resembled a country & western song. :P

Turn the clock forward about a year and things are looking very different. I find myself in love like I’ve never been before in my life. I still marvel everyday at the way she makes me feel. I am so grateful to the universe for giving me this opportunity and I’m thankful for everyday that I get to experience feeling this good about existing. Feeling this way is somewhat new ground for me and it isn’t easy and it isn’t simple but it is worth it.

So, as I stride forth into the second half of this year, I find myself in a rare position of contentment, perhaps a little less black around the edges (for now at least) and acutely aware of the fragility of said contentment. Realising that I have a lot of work to do to maintain this state of mind/existence but happily determined to put in the hard yards to make life work a little more in my favour.

For it and she, are definitely worth it.

That thing...

So, for the first time in my life, I have no doubt that I'm in love. It's strange, exciting, exhilarating, fun, joyful and oh so fucking scary.

She makes me feel like no other woman has, because she is like no other woman and because she IS a woman.

And every time I see my reflection, I remind myself of how lucky I am and how easily this may not have happened. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to know this person, a little deeper and better everyday.

So...

So, just when you think you had it all sorted out, your life compartmentalised, everything nice and neat, all those little demons placated, the little man in your head chastised and in retreat.

Then along "they" come.

Everything gets turned on its head, a 180 degree mind twist and the vast safety net you have worked so hard to construct and maintain is all of a sudden the size of a postage stamp.

Even so, all those things that you have worked so hard to construct to protect yourself seem cumbersome, an unnecessary appendage that just gets in the way of experiencing "them". "Their" touch makes you feel unworthy, "their" gaze makes you self-conscious and unable to bullshit, even just to be in the same room as "them" makes your pulse nearly explode. Yet at the same time you crave both "their" touch, "their" gaze, just "their" mere presence.

Sometimes, you've just got to work without a net.

Black & White.

It seems that the older I get, the more shades of grey there are. I want black and white back. I want to be able to see the world with a more pure, unadulterated eye.

I don't want to have to look at everything with a balanced view. I don't care if my view is slanted or imperfect, just make it black and white.

Another Sunday...

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face -- forever.” - George Orwell.

Fuckin' Amen!!!

Lied to...again.

As difficult as I know I can be, it is disappointing to be either lied to, dismissed or seemingly despised by the ones who claim to "love" you. Disappointing, yet not surprising.
Ultimately, I think if you offer somebody unconditional support or help and they throw it back in your face, it is their loss, though I can't fathom why they don't accept. Surely it can't be considered pride if they go elsewhere to get the assistance they need?
When tomorrow comes, I know I will have a clear conscience, can they say the same? Or are they happy to immerse themselves in their own weakness?